So it's the end of 2012 and I just wanted to post a little blog to see the year off.
This year has had some of the highest highs, and the lowest lows. There have been times this year where I've just wanted to give up on everything completely, curl up into a ball and wallow in all my own sorrows, and there have been other times where I've wanted to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and scream to the world about how happy I am.
My life has been up and down and round all of the bends this year, I've had the hardest struggle, medically speaking, that I've ever had and I've been in the wars a few times, walked around with slings and bandages, sat in a'n'e for hours, had x-rays and blood tests and physio and god knows what else, but I never let that define me. I never once let anyone tell me I couldn't do something I wanted to do, I didn't let one scratch or bump ruin what I've wanted to do.
I spent as much of my time as I could at gigs this year and I had the best time just being there and letting the music and the atmosphere take me away. I met amazing people, people who will always have space in my heart and hopefully, in my life too.
I met my best friend for the first time in person, and I couldn't thank her enough for how amazing she's been. She's become an honorary family member, someone who will always have a place in all of our heart, even is she does live 232 miles away.
So, it's true, I did lose a couple of amazing friends this year. We're all growing up now, and we're growing apart, but even though I miss some of those people, even though I wish things could go back to their perfect clarity with those select people, at the same time, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if I hadn't drifted apart with those people, I might not ever have met these new, life long friends that I spoke about in the past two paragraphs.
I'm so looking forward to all the amazing things that are going to happen in 2013, and although I'll be greatly worrying about Uni and fretting over things to come, I know that I'm going to have a great year next year, because I'm going to make it great, and some very amazing people will help me make it great, even if they don't happen to stumble upon this blog, even if they never know how much they've changed my life, they are going to make it the best year so far, especially in April.
We've all been through a lot this year, but the world didn't end, so from me, to you, I wish you all a very happy new year, and I hope all the best things come to you in 2013
Thanks for reading,
Alie :) x
Ramblings, rants and random acts of music mumblings.
Monday 31 December 2012
Sunday 23 December 2012
Know it all's.
Finally, I'm sick of getting viewed as 'dumb' or 'stupid', 'quiet' or standoffish and the butt of every joke.
I'm quiet in most places because I don't find it easy to socialise with people I don't know, and sometimes I don't know how to react with the people I do know. If you know me well, you won't think I'm shy. You'll think "Alie never shuts up, she's a loudmouth and crazy." If you don't know me, you'll think "Oh, that Alie girl is quiet, she always looks bored and standoffish etc" and if you're in the middle, well, you'll probably think I have a lot of mood swings.
I don't know why I find it hard to talk to some people, and why I talk wayyy too much to others, but a lot of it comes down to nerves and awkward silences, or maybe I'm just comfortable with you. If I talk too much, it's not because I'm trying to give you my life story, it's because I'm nervous, and I'm uncomfortable in silences. If I don't talk enough, it's because I don't know how you'll take the things I say.
People take all of this as me being 'weird' or something. Yeah okay, I am weird, I'll give you that one, but I'm not weird because I don't know how to act around every single person that happens to cross my path.
I talk about bands a lot, I like one genre of music more than I like others, and I'm not going to change that because other people find it funny to take the piss. I listen to a wider range of genre's than most people even realise. Just because most of the songs on my phone are of my favourite genre, doesn't mean I don't listen to others. Everyone is entitled to choose which songs grace their own ears, right? It's just like bookworms who like fantasy over scifi, or film addicts that prefer romcom over horror. It doesn't mean they don't read other books or watch other films, it just means they have a favourite. So back to where I was at the beginning of this paragraph. I talk about bands a lot, and the honest truth is, I talk about them because music, bands, and fanbases are what I know. 'Band world' as some call it, is the only place I feel I fit in fully. There are so many others like me there, that it doesn't even matter if I'm a little awkward or quiet at first, because the chances are, they're feeling the same, or similar, and then we mostly acknowledge that and suddenly get on pretty well. Of course there are arguments and people who like people less or more, and it's still a relatively catty place to be at times, but fanbases are like families, and talking about bands and music is something that actually brings the real me out of her shell.
As for intelligence, people constantly think I'm stupid because I don't speak up. They think I don't know my stuff because I don't come out with a lengthy speech about the subject at hand. I don't see the point in being a know it all, when I could quite happily keep my knowledge to myself and put it all into an essay. I don't take a lot of interest in politics, and I don't often read newspapers because I have an awfully hard time trying to learn about things that don't interest me, and that's a huge flaw of mine, but what I lack in those subjects, I make up for in things that actually interest me. I could spend weeks researching a subject. I love it. I've created and printed projects before that weren't for school or college, purely because doing that pleased me. I've scrolled through countless databases and archives looking for information on things like Phantom cat sightings in the UK and I even started looking at Australia when I was done with the UK. I created a 74 page project about the Dangerous Wild Animals act of 1976, I later used that knowledge in my year eleven English exams. I put my mind to things that interest me, I write books, stories poems, only a few end up on wattpad, but it doesn't mean I didn't write more. I write songs, I sing, I used to act. I was cast to play Sandy in a stage performance of Grease that was cancelled on opening night. I played Violet Beauregard in a small stage show of Charlie and the chocolate factory, despite the fact that I hate the film and the book. I was level 6 at horse riding before I quit, and I was published in four different poetry books, but why should everyone know this? Why do I need to tell people these things to prove that I'm not entirely clueless? Why do I have to spend my life explaining that I'm quiet because I don't like to toot my own horn?..
I'm fine with my friends acting high and mighty, go ahead, be better, be worse, go to a uni on the other side of the world if it makes you happy, I'm going to a uni close to home, you know why? I have medical issues. Something you seem to forget. I've accomplished a lot for someone who has a condition that puts them in constant and never ending pain, I've done a lot for someone who has to take four different medications four times a day, but guess what? My condition doesn't define me. It doesn't make me less or more of a person, and I'm sick of being taken for a ride just because I'm one thing, QUIET.
I'm constantly walked over. People pick me as the butt of the joke 90% of the time, and I usually don't care, but this time, it's gone too far, because guess what? It finally broke me, so you people who talk shit about me, call me names, say you "hate" me when you don't know me, you need to leave me alone for a bit. I need to recharge. There's a reason I don't use people as the butt of my jokes unless they're fully aware that I'm joking, and it's because all of these years that you've taken the piss, it's been boiling under my skin.
So what if I'm not the same as you, not everyone can be the almighty god of socialisation and know it all-ism.
To all those people that know me, get me, understand me, and only use me in joke because they know I know it's a joke? I love you. Never change, carry on joking with me, about me, and I'll carry on doing the same with you. You people who do it maliciously? You people who do it because it makes you look good? Fuck off, none of us underdogs need you and your god given gifts and talents. Some of us work for everything, and we'll do it until the day we die.
If you reached the end of this rant, congrats, gold star, love and hugs all round. The people that did reach the end, you should know, one person tipped this over the edge, one stupid comment, and it all came flooding out. I'll rant like this in another ten years. Anyone who feels the same, you're not alone.
Thanks for reading,
Alie x
I'm quiet in most places because I don't find it easy to socialise with people I don't know, and sometimes I don't know how to react with the people I do know. If you know me well, you won't think I'm shy. You'll think "Alie never shuts up, she's a loudmouth and crazy." If you don't know me, you'll think "Oh, that Alie girl is quiet, she always looks bored and standoffish etc" and if you're in the middle, well, you'll probably think I have a lot of mood swings.
I don't know why I find it hard to talk to some people, and why I talk wayyy too much to others, but a lot of it comes down to nerves and awkward silences, or maybe I'm just comfortable with you. If I talk too much, it's not because I'm trying to give you my life story, it's because I'm nervous, and I'm uncomfortable in silences. If I don't talk enough, it's because I don't know how you'll take the things I say.
People take all of this as me being 'weird' or something. Yeah okay, I am weird, I'll give you that one, but I'm not weird because I don't know how to act around every single person that happens to cross my path.
I talk about bands a lot, I like one genre of music more than I like others, and I'm not going to change that because other people find it funny to take the piss. I listen to a wider range of genre's than most people even realise. Just because most of the songs on my phone are of my favourite genre, doesn't mean I don't listen to others. Everyone is entitled to choose which songs grace their own ears, right? It's just like bookworms who like fantasy over scifi, or film addicts that prefer romcom over horror. It doesn't mean they don't read other books or watch other films, it just means they have a favourite. So back to where I was at the beginning of this paragraph. I talk about bands a lot, and the honest truth is, I talk about them because music, bands, and fanbases are what I know. 'Band world' as some call it, is the only place I feel I fit in fully. There are so many others like me there, that it doesn't even matter if I'm a little awkward or quiet at first, because the chances are, they're feeling the same, or similar, and then we mostly acknowledge that and suddenly get on pretty well. Of course there are arguments and people who like people less or more, and it's still a relatively catty place to be at times, but fanbases are like families, and talking about bands and music is something that actually brings the real me out of her shell.
As for intelligence, people constantly think I'm stupid because I don't speak up. They think I don't know my stuff because I don't come out with a lengthy speech about the subject at hand. I don't see the point in being a know it all, when I could quite happily keep my knowledge to myself and put it all into an essay. I don't take a lot of interest in politics, and I don't often read newspapers because I have an awfully hard time trying to learn about things that don't interest me, and that's a huge flaw of mine, but what I lack in those subjects, I make up for in things that actually interest me. I could spend weeks researching a subject. I love it. I've created and printed projects before that weren't for school or college, purely because doing that pleased me. I've scrolled through countless databases and archives looking for information on things like Phantom cat sightings in the UK and I even started looking at Australia when I was done with the UK. I created a 74 page project about the Dangerous Wild Animals act of 1976, I later used that knowledge in my year eleven English exams. I put my mind to things that interest me, I write books, stories poems, only a few end up on wattpad, but it doesn't mean I didn't write more. I write songs, I sing, I used to act. I was cast to play Sandy in a stage performance of Grease that was cancelled on opening night. I played Violet Beauregard in a small stage show of Charlie and the chocolate factory, despite the fact that I hate the film and the book. I was level 6 at horse riding before I quit, and I was published in four different poetry books, but why should everyone know this? Why do I need to tell people these things to prove that I'm not entirely clueless? Why do I have to spend my life explaining that I'm quiet because I don't like to toot my own horn?..
I'm fine with my friends acting high and mighty, go ahead, be better, be worse, go to a uni on the other side of the world if it makes you happy, I'm going to a uni close to home, you know why? I have medical issues. Something you seem to forget. I've accomplished a lot for someone who has a condition that puts them in constant and never ending pain, I've done a lot for someone who has to take four different medications four times a day, but guess what? My condition doesn't define me. It doesn't make me less or more of a person, and I'm sick of being taken for a ride just because I'm one thing, QUIET.
I'm constantly walked over. People pick me as the butt of the joke 90% of the time, and I usually don't care, but this time, it's gone too far, because guess what? It finally broke me, so you people who talk shit about me, call me names, say you "hate" me when you don't know me, you need to leave me alone for a bit. I need to recharge. There's a reason I don't use people as the butt of my jokes unless they're fully aware that I'm joking, and it's because all of these years that you've taken the piss, it's been boiling under my skin.
So what if I'm not the same as you, not everyone can be the almighty god of socialisation and know it all-ism.
To all those people that know me, get me, understand me, and only use me in joke because they know I know it's a joke? I love you. Never change, carry on joking with me, about me, and I'll carry on doing the same with you. You people who do it maliciously? You people who do it because it makes you look good? Fuck off, none of us underdogs need you and your god given gifts and talents. Some of us work for everything, and we'll do it until the day we die.
If you reached the end of this rant, congrats, gold star, love and hugs all round. The people that did reach the end, you should know, one person tipped this over the edge, one stupid comment, and it all came flooding out. I'll rant like this in another ten years. Anyone who feels the same, you're not alone.
Thanks for reading,
Alie x
Wednesday 12 December 2012
Do I even know you anymore?
Do we ever really know someone?
People are so volatile. They change every day, hour by hour, second by second, so do we ever really know anyone? Do we every really know ourselves?
Recently, I’ve realised that there are a lot of people in my life that I really don’t know anymore. We might have been close once, but now? Not so much. Most people would say “so what? Get on with it, people change.” and they do, but that doesn’t mean that it upsets me any less when I lose a close friendship with someone.
Why do people change? What makes them become someone you don’t know? Issues, problems, life changes, things that go on. Is it so wrong that I want to know the reasons for people changing? Is it so wrong for me to want to just be there for them unconditionally?
Well, if I’ve said it once, then I’ll say it a thousand times, I am always, always, there for the people who need me. I have ears, I can listen. I have eyes, I can read, I have a brain, I can give advice, but some people just won’t believe it.
If you’ve changed because something’s going on, if you’re distancing yourself from your friends because you don’t think they’ll understand, try them. Tell the ones you can trust and let them be there for you. Let them understand, because if you don’t, you’ll lose them. You’ll alienate yourself, and you’ll also leave them wondering what they did wrong.
So, rant over,
Alie x
Monday 3 December 2012
Just a little babble.
Guise! I haven't posted in a while, huh?
This makes me a bad person I know.
So I have an extremely busy December, and I can't understand how. I know it sounds weird to wonder how you've got a busy month, but I started working recently, and it's on a bit of a touch and go basis really. I get called in if they have work, and I don't get called in if they don't, but i've found myself having to say I can't go in a lot lately because of the plans I already have.
I've never been the sort of person that likes to go out very often. Of course I enjoy it, and I like spending time with other people, but a lot of the time, I just end up going to their houses, or they end up coming to mine, unless of course, I'm going to a gig, which is actually my main sense of a night out. I'd rather go to a gig or a few gigs and hang out with people more like myself, than spend a night out in a pub (when I don't even drink) with a bunch of drunkards. That's not to say that I don't love the drunkards when they're not drunk, but being the only one sober when the rest of your friends are seeing life through beer goggles makes an evening a little less enjoyable, especially if they like joyriding on mobility scooters or something.
Back to the point, this month, I've actually got quite a lot of plans, and I took a look at the calender, to see that I actually only have a few days free in december, whether I'm doing something with the family, at college, out with friends, or at gigs, I'm busy almost everyday, and I've had to let my new boss know this, and although he told me that that's absolutely fine as he's only a starting business and isn't getting an awfully large amount of clients, I still felt extremely bad about having to let someone down, and now here comes the paragraph that would make it seem as if I need a psychiatrist. I don't, really, I don't.
I have an awfully large problem with letting people down. I'll kick myself for a week if I'm two minutes late to class, and it takes months to forgive myself if I have a day off college, when days off are unavoidable for me with my illness. It's almost like I get angry at myself for letting someone down just slightly, and even if that person tells me it's fine, it's okay, I still have that small fragment of doubt in my head that tells me I'm letting people down, and I can't stand it.
Anyway, thanks for reading the first babble I've had in a while.
Alie :) x
This makes me a bad person I know.
So I have an extremely busy December, and I can't understand how. I know it sounds weird to wonder how you've got a busy month, but I started working recently, and it's on a bit of a touch and go basis really. I get called in if they have work, and I don't get called in if they don't, but i've found myself having to say I can't go in a lot lately because of the plans I already have.
I've never been the sort of person that likes to go out very often. Of course I enjoy it, and I like spending time with other people, but a lot of the time, I just end up going to their houses, or they end up coming to mine, unless of course, I'm going to a gig, which is actually my main sense of a night out. I'd rather go to a gig or a few gigs and hang out with people more like myself, than spend a night out in a pub (when I don't even drink) with a bunch of drunkards. That's not to say that I don't love the drunkards when they're not drunk, but being the only one sober when the rest of your friends are seeing life through beer goggles makes an evening a little less enjoyable, especially if they like joyriding on mobility scooters or something.
Back to the point, this month, I've actually got quite a lot of plans, and I took a look at the calender, to see that I actually only have a few days free in december, whether I'm doing something with the family, at college, out with friends, or at gigs, I'm busy almost everyday, and I've had to let my new boss know this, and although he told me that that's absolutely fine as he's only a starting business and isn't getting an awfully large amount of clients, I still felt extremely bad about having to let someone down, and now here comes the paragraph that would make it seem as if I need a psychiatrist. I don't, really, I don't.
I have an awfully large problem with letting people down. I'll kick myself for a week if I'm two minutes late to class, and it takes months to forgive myself if I have a day off college, when days off are unavoidable for me with my illness. It's almost like I get angry at myself for letting someone down just slightly, and even if that person tells me it's fine, it's okay, I still have that small fragment of doubt in my head that tells me I'm letting people down, and I can't stand it.
Anyway, thanks for reading the first babble I've had in a while.
Alie :) x
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