Deep Blog.

I'm going to be totally honest here, but please understand, this isn't a blog to say "feel sorry for me", "pity me" or "my life's shit" because it's not, however, it's about time I start being truthful. I'm not asking you to read this if feelings and shit make you feel uncomfortable. I'm not asking you to read this at all. I'm posting this here, purely so that I can look back on this and re-evaluate in the future.

Things aren't easy. They never are, but when a person makes it their full out goal to make your or your family or your friends lives a living hell, you have to question humanity just a little bit. People are evil, they always have and always will be, but when you finally experience that for yourself, you really realise the true extent of that, and it's not an easy thing to realise.

Recently, everything has been piling up, and in all honesty, I can't make sense of any of it now. Before, I thought holding things in would be a good idea. 'Don't bother anyone with it all' I told myself, and now I'm getting flack from everywhere. People asking me why I never said about it, people wondering why I went on pretending everything was fine. The truth is, I didn't want to bother anyone. People have way bigger problems, and they still do, so I think i'll just go on in this blog, get it out, and move on as much as is possible, this way, no one has to be burdened with it, except future me.

There's so much injustice to what is going on at the moment. Innocent people being bullied, intimidated and sent to points of pretty much no return. So many people I look up to have been made into shells of what and who they were. I know the real versions of themselves are still in there, but everything that has happened has pretty suppressed the people they were. Sometimes they shine through, and it feels like in that moment, everything will be fine, and then another thing happens and it's back to square one.

It feels like I shouldn't feel any way about this, like I don't deserve to feel any way about this because this particular thing isn't happening directly to me, but really, it affects us all in some way, makes us all feel something that makes us just want it all to be over with. We all want to be happy, normal, and who we were again in some way.

On another note, health-wise, I feel like in shattered, physically, emotionally, whichever. I can't cope with the new changes. The fact that I'm weak health-wise takes its tole on how I feel as a person right now. A shadow of myself because nothing feels the same now. Things have changed and I don't think it's going to be easy to go back to how it was before. Things have deteriorated and I've realised now, I'm not just talking about health-wise, am I?

What bothers me quite a lot recently is how rocky things have been since I admitted to myself that maybe that friendship I've fought for from the start is maybe just a fraction of itself now. It's not how it was, it's no where near, and maybe that's my own fault, maybe it's yours, maybe its because of both of us, but I can't deny that we're a fraction of what we were before. I'll try to ignore it, but we both know it's not going to happen. Something needs to change, I just don't know what.

I really don't know what else to say. As I type one thing, something else springs to mind and I can't just write this forever, so I'll end here.

If you read to the end, thanks a lot and I appreciate it, unless you were being nosey, in which case, shame on you.

I know almost every person is going through their own stuff, and this is just a different version of the same old story, but as I said at the beginning, this isn't for you, this is for me, and if you want to judge, go judge somewhere else.

Alie x